IN WHICH LIFE IS A JOURNEY NOT A DESTINATION or THAT WHICH MAKES ME NAUSEOUS

For those of you who think that I’m over romantic because I am searching for love, I can assure you, that is hardly the case.  I’ve been reading profile after profile and have to admit that the Hallmark platitudes are starting to get to me. 

Spare me from walks on the beach, candle lit dinners and watching sunsets, it’s just not my thing. Help me to keep away from communications being a two way street, as comfortable in high heels as jeans, and please, never let me never get near anyone with a Harley or a mancave.  I come off as a curmudgeon, but let me assure you again, nothing could be further from the truth. 

What is true, and it’s not just my observation, is that many of the profiles are just a concatenation of what men think women want to hear.  It is a compilation of the sappy, the syrupy, the banal, and the highly sentimental.  Blatant calculations to make the feminine heart flutter and beat faster…sigh. 

…and not the good corny of a great old Judy Garland musical, but the insipidity of a Lifetime movie for Women (which of course, you have to know that I watch).

I am not that person, guys.  That kind of prose doesn’t make my heart beat faster, au contraire, it makes me want to barf.  It’s a bit of what I said in my OkCupid profile (by the way, the profile I still like best), you don’t get to this point in life without a little acerbity… a slight tang.

So, I guess this is the point where I regroup, reboot, and reset my goals. I’m not changing my wish list, I’m just going to try to be more open to more types of people.  My only insistence continues to be photos and near for LA traffic purposes.  The most critical among you cannot quibble with that.

So here is the tote as it stands:  still on Match, OkCupid, Zoosk, and Matchmaker, only because I paid very little for three months worth.  I have to say, there’s been absolutely nothing on Zoosk or Matchmaker, so I cannot recommend either of them.  I have also paid very little to get on Match’s sister site: Chemistry.com.  So far this hasn’t yielded much either, not at all impressed.

I have gone on a couple of dates with some Match guys.  Drinks with a very nice man at my local Cheesecake Factory (they have a very nice and “happening” bar there during “happy” hour), a long Saturday afternoon with another nice man with whom I even had some chemistry, but it all came to naught, which, as we have learned, is the norm.  I think there was another one that was so unmemorable that I don’t remember it. 

Nice is so bland, isn’t it.  I’m sorry, but I can’t get up the enthusiasm to think of a better adjective.  Certainly, no URGE.

I have also been texting with a married guy – an artist who wants me to be his muse.  Too whimsical and romantic for my tastes you might think, but it’s, of course, the married part that gets to me.  He wanted to meet for a drink but I was honest and said that I wasn’t comfortable meeting with a married man. 

I thought that was the end of the matter, but then just last night got a text saying that he couldn’t get me off of his mind.  I texted back and said I knew what he meant (One Syllable), but that this sort of a situation was unwholesome and that I was an honorable person who couldn’t conceive that his wife was okay with this.  I see nothing today from him. 

Summer is a-comin’ in and I think that’s a good time for dates.  People are emerging from winter and even spring shadows and are really getting out there, the sun is shining and everything just feels better so I am optimistic.

Must also just mention that I’ve been texting back and forth with another guy who seems to think I’m just the cat’s pajamas, and then he disappears for a week and then comes back.  I think I’ve already discussed the attention span of younger guys, so I will refrain. The update to that is that he keeps texting me trying to meet, but we can’t seem to coordinate, which, to me, suggests some kind of ambivalence.  I could be wrong about that, as we know I’ve been wrong about a lot of things.

My buddy, Serial Monogamist, has had an experience that most of us girls have had at one time or another.  He met a girl that he really liked.  She kept tempting him and implying that she was interested to the extent that she took herself off of Match when they met (which I thought rather precipitous) and then would back away, breaking dates and not returning phone calls when he responded.  She had work issues, her father was sick, the cat ate her homework, etc., etc. 

I have been reading about stuff like this, and what’s interesting is that many women on the dating scene today, for whatever reason, are acting like guys.  They are being as elusive, non-committal, aggravating and mystifying.  I think it’s a horrible trend.  They’re acting like hunters who catch the quarry and throw it back, slightly used but serviceable.  Guy behavior!!!  That is discouraging!

Speaking of discouraging, did I say I was optimistic?  I am, I promise you at the back of my mind, but just for the moment am I allowed a little gloom and just a little lack of enthusiasm?  I am a tad dispirited, and it may have to do with allergies or traveling too much or various domestic problems that I won’t bore you all with. Or maybe it’s just the fact that I’ve been at it for a while and I’m still waiting for some magic – talk about over-optimistic!

Well, I promise I will not indulge in this mood for too long. 

IN WHICH I DEFEND MYSELF AGAINST THE SELF-ABSORPTION CHARGE or THE URGE

I am shocked, SHOCKED.  (Really taken aback!) 

I’ve let one date and some other men read my blog and two of them came back with the charge that I am self-absorbed.  I think if you ask most of my friends you will find that this is absolutely not the case. I am one of the least self-centered people I know.

So what is it?  I asked one gentleman and after thinking about it for a while he came up with the idea that all I was doing was writing about myself. 

IT’S MY BLOG ABOUT MY EXPERIENCES WITH ONLINE DATING!  WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO BE WRITING ABOUT?? FISH?

All right, I’m calm now.  Just had to get it out.  Breathe.

Well, as usual I was wrong.  I was sure that there would be New Years Resolutions galore.  That all were ready to meet their beshert (the one for whom they are destined – how romantic), however, that seems not to be the case.  I am now of the opinion that people are hibernating and possibly just opening their eyes and stretching their limbs hoping for a warm summer, so I am once again optimistic…as usual.

I continue to be on Match, however, I have let my subscriptions run out on Matchmaker.com, which was totally useless, hardly better than that free site that shall now go nameless.  Oddly enough, my fellow non-blogger is having the most marvelous success on Eharmony, and for me it’s been a total bust so that, too, is now being let go the wayside. 

As well, I’m still on OKcupid and am currently just about ready to meet a guy from around my vicinity.  It’s so appealing to not have to figure out logistics of long distance things. (One guy from Matchmaker was writing from Colorado, and I just wasn’t up for it.  He was going for the old saw that distance doesn’t matter if the connection is there, but why look for trouble? Besides he didn’t post a photo… that’s just a non-starter as far as I’m concerned.)

Continuing the story a few days later, we met for what I now consider my boilerplate date.  A Coffee Bean, a sunny afternoon, me purchasing the green tea and a nice guy once again, but no URGE.  Now what is URGE??  I will get to that in due course.

I was thinking of joining Zoosk, and about to sign up when I clicked for payment and saw they had the nerve to want to charge me a one-time activation fee.  Well, I wrote them in a complete huff and said, waive the fee, pointing out that no one else does this.  As I was writing this, lo and behold, they came back with the waiver.  Good for them, but really they shouldn’t do it, so if you’re tempted to join the site, tell them you don’t want to pay that particular fee. 

Zoosk is a site that I think has some connection to Facebook.  It looks to me like a lot of people register on there and flirt away, but don’t pay.  If you flirt, they allow you about one message exchange before they want your credit card.

And if someone could answer a question, what is it with these “gifts”?  They have those on OKCupid as well, and frankly, I don’ t see the point. You extend an Internet rose.  All right I get it, you’re on the Internet you’re hoping to get a relationship from the Internet so why not give Internet gifts? 

Why? Because it’s STUPID!!  It makes no realistic sense.

Even dumber is that people pay for the privilege of giving that Internet bottle of champagne.  You all realize these never materialize they are just pretend.

I despair.

So far on Zoosk, a bit of eye candy.  I am slightly but not TOO suspicious that these two may be a case of someone (either spammer, 14 or 15 year old) posting to have fun and be a nuisance.  However, we’ll see. I will say in both cases they contacted me.  One is a little far down in Huntington Beach and the other one is in Massachusetts.

The Dane in HB says that he’s moving up here in June and wants to know if I like sailing.  Remembering that I am, of course, the in-doors type, I said yes though I have a tendency to seasickness.  No point putting him off just yet.

The Massachusetts guy has intelligently figured out that the distance may just be too great.  He gets lots of credit for such an assessment.

Match is yielding a drinks date sometime at the end of the week.  This guy is in great shape – excellent biceps, etc.  Yes, I may be shallow, I have already admitted this, but I still don’t think that comes down to self-absorption.

Being a tad defensive here, I will stop now.

No I did not forget.  I wish to explain the URGE.  I went to London for a Royal History weekend a couple of weeks ago.  One excellent speaker talked about a young lady who was a governess to the children of an Arch Duke and a Princess.  This was just before the Second World War, and the bulk of the talk concerned this girl’s letters home to her parents.  Her descriptions of her life with the Arch Ducal family were quite fascinating and her insights were very frank.  In particular it was apparent that she had a crush on said Arch Duke.  He had, she explained to her mother, URGE. It’s certainly obvious enough what she was talking about and I hope mom got it.

Have to say I just LOVE this and plan on using it at every opportunity.  So much more – well urgent than just saying someone has sex appeal.  For me, the only guy these many months that’s had URGE is One Syllable.  However, I know more is out there, and I’m going to find it!

IN WHICH THE HOLDING PATTERN SEEMS TO CONTINUE or ONLINE DATING FATIGUE (GASP!!!)

Does it seem possible to you that with all the enthusiasm I put into this blog (though it has been a while, and I apologize for being out of touch), that I am experiencing a little fatigue, as it were, of online dating.  Again, pull yourselves off the floor because the answer is unfortunately yes.

I had a nice two dates with the man who liked my profile on Fitness and though there were nothing wrong with either of us, and certainly, we liked each other, the rest was sort of just what it was.  Meaningless, I know, but perhaps descriptive.

I’ve been trudging through the sites, getting myself off a number of them and need to give you the tote board at this point: still on Eharmony, though couldn’t be less impressed, Match has its moments, my old stand-by OkCupid (made even more hip because Julian Assange was once on it!) and Matchmaker, which is proving also to be less than satisfactory.  I put myself on that particular site because I had received 99 messages, do you hear???  99 messages!!! and not one of any interest, either because they were writing from Wales (WHY???) or too young, too old, rode Harley’s, lived in “man-caves” and, not to seem mean-spirited, too dumb.  Yes, I know, that was mean-spirited, but for heaven sakes people, SPELL CHECK.

I’m permanently off POF and eVow.  I also decided that Jdate, for whatever reason just wasn’t making headway for me.  Perhaps, in the future, I’ll consult Yenta the Matchmaker if I really want a Jewish guy.

Which brings me to something pervasive and, frankly, annoying. I’ve written about this before, but now am joining what I hope is the good fight. 

Yes, it’s the scammers! 

Those guys (or whatever trolls these are) who post attractive, sometimes model like photos, very literate profiles designed to entice and then, when you contact them, write the most alarmingly dumb-ass drivel it has ever been my displeasure to read.  In the various different cases, I’m guessing, among other things, that English was NOT their first language, OR it is 14 and 15 year olds spending an amusing Saturday afternoon without parental supervision.   

This most recently happened three times on Match.  Since I’ve been assiduously reading up on this, I have an excellent idea of what constitutes a phony profile.  Let me give you the sad rundown.

Bachelor #1 was very good looking and affable – and charmingly photographed with a cute little dog.  However, after I contacted him, the first thing he said is to write to him at his private email.  I, knowing this BIG RED FLAG, said I'd prefer to communicate on the site. He also gushed away in the first message, saying things like he must have joined the site just so he could meet me...and that I should take a leap.  I've actually heard that before (and not just in Kierkegaard).  In his second email he said that he was in England and that he had written in his profile that he was relocating. Uh… NO.  Nothing in the profile about living in another country. However, wasn’t I lucky that he’d be moving here in about 5 weeks? Then, again, wanted to get on private email as he was "deactivating" his account that afternoon. Believe it or not, I’ve heard the 5-week number before, so I reported him.  

Prospect #2 had a nice look also and a rather sweet profile where he was pictured with his child.  When I wrote to him, he GUSHED in such fractured English that I was, to put it mildly, suspicious, since his profile had been written in normal American syntax.  I reported him.  

Hunk #3 “winked” at me.  (Have I mentioned how much I hate “winks”?  They are definitely the coward’s way out like “icebreakers”, etc., etc., I scorn them, but I think you know by now I’m a hypocrite.  So, yes, I’ve done it.)  I looked at his profile and in one sentence he said he was in Afghanistan and in the next in Iraq. He confided in the world that he couldn’t tell us what he was doing there.  He also said he was 6'11" and his pictures were date stamped 8 years ago!! I asked him if he was really 6'11" and did he realize his pictures were 8 years old?  No answer. I reported him.

I reported these three “profiles” to Match and I was correct ALL THREE TIMES.  I know, in this life there is much to be proud of, but being proud of this…well, my friends, it’s what I’ve come to… (sorry about ending that with a preposition!).

All three have been deactivated.

In other news, I keep on a daily habit of perusing the websites.  I have tried to write several times a week if not more on each one.  However, there have been no dates for a little over a week.  Maybe that’s good.  Gives me time to catch my breath and be glad it’s getting near Spring.  I am optimistic (aren’t I always) that people will emerge from their hibernation soon and wake up to the fact that it’s time to connect.

Can you blame me for feeling some dating fatigue at this point?

IN WHICH A SEEMING DRY SPELL DOES OCCUR or I GUESS I WAS WRONG ABOUT NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS

January has passed, and honestly, can’t say that I saw a plethora of men resolved to meet their beloved in the coming year.  Perhaps they’re waiting for the Chinese New Year and I didn’t get the memo.

Anyhow, the score board is now the following: Am back on eVow temporarily, waiting out this month on the Fitness Site and, yes, in the interest of completely not following my own dictums, I just got on Eharmony – again. My fellow non-blogger, Jane got it from her shoe lady at Neiman’s - she met her boyfriend on Eharmony and they’ve been dating for two years.  Again, solid gold advice.

I am very flexible, or perhaps, just without any discernable character.

So the total is: one free site and four paying, with one leaving off at the end of the month.

Phew… anyhow, one more piece of housekeeping before we soldier on…. I have noticed a very sad plague on these sites.  More than 50% of these men say they are widowers.  While a true widower is nothing to laugh about, what is it with these guys?  I’m convinced some of these see this as a high sympathy factor for bagging more babes. Otherwise, women are dying like flies and that doesn’t seem to be the case – at least it wasn’t in the news.  I can’t believe that many men in their 40’s and 50’s are widowers.  I suppose I could be wrong, but I think it’s odd.

The big report for this entry is that the guy who stood me up called again. He apologized all over the place on my voice mail and I thought, why bother if he really didn’t want to be forgiven. So, I waited a while, Serial Monogamist said to blow him off, but poor SM, I rarely listen to him do I?  So, I did call, and we made a date.

Happily, though he is a self-described cross between Howdy Doody and Ron Howard, he was nice enough to treat me to coffee.

Okay, people, pick yourselves off the floor. 

We had a nice conversation where he told me that younger guys just want to bag older babes for the gratitude factor.  You live and definitely learn.  Gratitude, I have found doesn’t go both ways at all.  However, as I said we had a nice conversation and I’m going to meet him again for drinks.

Also, met another beachboy.  He’s from somewhat further down the coast than One Syllable and we met in Santa Monica in the evening (when I look my best).  I thought he was cute however, a little more weathered than I like – that may be the result of spending his weekends playing beach volleyball.  We also had a good conversation, and I thought he was into me, but then, he seemed to fade out when he saw my car and found out I had a house.  

 I think that a woman that seems affluent, or at least fiscally responsible may need to hide it for the first couple of dates.  However, it was a nice evening and not a huge loss either way.

Trudging onward.

I’ve been researching and found out many new things.  First and foremost, that most people think that PlentyofFish is just about the most execrable site on the internet.  There is much complaining about the DOGs on that site.  I’ve learned that is an acronym of Desperate Old Guys/Gals.  I hope that is not I. 

Further, it will no doubt not shock anyone that people put loads of phony profiles on these sites.  Naïve of me, but I’m the type who thinks because I’m honest and fairly straightforward that everyone else is going to be.  I know they’re not, but I insist that I shall operate as though they are, for my peace of mind and faith in mankind, not for theirs.

Through the R + D, I found a couple of new sites.  There’s one that at least seems founded on a sense of humor for people who love British accents.  I got on that one, but have to pay to be a full member, and I’m holding off.  Then, there is one that is supposed to be the best site after Perfect Match (which I thought, frankly, disastrous), Eharmony (not liking much they keep on sending me “matches” without photos, and to be honest if I can put myself out there, so can they!), and Match.com, which isn’t all that bad.  It’s called Matchmaker.com.  I went on it, and so far, of course and again, unless you pay, no real results. 

And, could someone remind me again why people from Germany and Greenbriar, Arkansas would contact me?

Lo and behold, someone nice has contacted me on the Fitness site.  Seems he loved what I said about people on the site.  That is, if they didn’t spend as much time tending to themselves as my kitty, I would give them a chance.  Since then he’s written me several nice and extremely literate emails.  He’s out of town, he says, but it seems that we might actually meet when he returns.  In addition, a guy from very close by has contacted me as well.  Geographically desirable because of oft-mentioned LA traffic is such a good thing!

Well all seems a little in a holding pattern at this point, perhaps there will be good things to report soon… I’m naïve enough (see above) to hope so!

IN WHICH I LEARN MANY THINGS ABOUT ONLINE ETIQUETTE or SOME PLAYDATES

Scoreboard: Got off POF… for all it’s a rather a cute name for a dating site, it just doesn’t appeal to me –I can't put my finger on it, but there’s just something faintly unsavory about it. Also, hid my profile on eVow. Less unsavory than its sister site, but nevertheless, I’m just not convinced the clientele on those sites are as serious about this as I am.

So those of you keeping up here, I’m down to 4 sites, and have decided to give up the Fitness one as well when my subscription runs out next month.  It’s an odd thing about the Fitness site, though you would think physical activity is so immediate, I’m getting messages from guys all over the world.  Don’t really know how we could be running partners.  Not bearing fruit, so we don’t waste time we move on.

January has been somewhat productive.  Possible meet up with another man of the Emerald Isle in February, actually quite cute, so keep fingers crossed.  However, lest we forget our lessons about follow up, deciding to meet up next month is like 10 years in online dating years.  However, we are friends on Facebook so I may be able to guilt him into follow through – if, by then, I have any inclination to do so.

Have had some dates to discuss. 

The first one was several weeks ago, and sadly a little fraught.  Met a producer/ lawyer at my favorite spot, I’ll call him Fish Lips for reasons that will soon become obvious.  Got there on time and bought my own libation as usual, sigh, almost forgetting what it’s like to be chivalrously served.  Didn’t look like the guy was there and then I saw him sitting outside, looking like he was half asleep and waiting for the bus. He certainly wasn’t anxiously looking for his date.

Thought at least the conversation would be interesting and to be fair it was, but ugh, the odious habits some people have! I was being bright, breezy, entertaining, practicing all my charm skills, basically because I didn’t give a rat’s butt and he was just sitting there, as though in a light coma, saying “riiiiight”, drawing out the word in an almost demented fashion.  And when he wasn’t talking, he was breathing in the exact manner of a goldfish, it was nearly disconcerting, and I had to concentrate very hard not to giggle while watching his lips sucking up oxygen, and blowing out invisible bubbles.

That was over again, not quite as quickly as Fire Boy since, as I said, we did have an interesting conversation.  He told me some of the movies he’d been involved in, and I did check him out on IMDb.  As well, have to say that he posted loads of photographs with himself and political luminaries on his profile -- probably off-putting if you’re in the opposite party or not interested in such things.  It also struck me as being nearly as lame as Fire Boy telling me about his party with that 60’s celebrity that I didn’t mention or even remotely care about; but again, to be fair, only nearly.

There is no help for people who can’t stand on their own merits.

Hazarding a guess that you won’t be surprised that since my journey started in June, which is now about 6 months old, I was stood up a second time last weekend.  Guy very nice on the phone, seemed eager, called a bunch of times and have to say I didn’t have phone on, but I did return all phone calls.  However, he didn’t show up to meet where we had planned.  I wasn’t upset, as I said before, how could I be, it’s hardly personal when they’ve never met you.

As Queen Victoria said during the Boer War, (to paraphrase) there is no one depressed here.

The last week has been pleasant.  I met a lovely young guy, early 40’s, for a coffee/green tea date in an extremely agreeable locale.  Not my usual Coffee Bean but a charming café.  I’ll call him John Boy, though luckily he didn’t have the distracting mole on his face (a Walton’s reference for any of you puzzled).  Sadly, he was boyish, and I am questing currently for mannish, so it was just a pleasant interlude.  However, we got together again for a nice afternoon jaunt in a bookstore and a little window-shopping so not all is horror.  And, the youthful injection continues to be a boost to my ego.  That, however, may not last long.

Had a great conversation with another of the younger set last night and learned many things that I hadn’t considered.  I had made it a rule to answer all queries and emails.  Evidently I am completely wrong in this.  According to this fellow, whom I’ll call AK41, it’s actually ruder to answer if you’re not interested.  My friend, Serial Monogamist, had told this to me initially, but I wasn’t taking his word for it.  According to AK41, it’s more hurtful to reply and time wasting as well.  So, there blows my theory that people should be as polite online as they are in real life.

He also instructed me that not only are men out to bag babes (his words, about which I found out to my sadness with One Syllable), but evidently, women in their 20’s and 30’s are behaving just as women in my generation did in my 20’s and 30’s – without, I should caution the assurance that no deadly STD’s will be passed about.  As someone who worked for an AIDs charity for over thirteen years, I really don’t get this at all.  AK41 told me that one woman who had shown interest in him was dating five other fellows, sleeping with two of them and deciding which one had the most money for possible marriage.  I am sad to hear about such post-feminist venality.

One last story that doesn’t have anything to do with me is one told by Serial Monogamist.  He’s had great success on the dating sites as he’s an attractive man of a certain age.  He’s as picky as I am, but doing quite well.  Well, a few weeks ago he began dating a tall, blonde lawyer who, after seeing him twice, took herself off of Match.  When he told me this, I did think it slightly precipitous, but I thought, whatever – as one does.  At any rate, she was supposed to come to his place for dinner, said she had to be in court for several days, didn’t respond to emails, phone calls, then said she’d call and hasn’t done so.  Oddly, this sounds like typically male behavior to me.  Baffling, bewildering, inconceivable, only begin to describe it.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that not only women suffer this but perhaps it’s a weird product of this unbelievably wacky way of trying to connect with others.

No worries, I press on.

IN WHICH I GREATLY EXPAND MY HORIZONS or MASSIVE JOINING OF OTHER SITES

It’s official.  I’ve taken off the gloves and am throwing more caution to the wind than even before.  Is this getting repetitive?  Do I continue to inch forward until I have just about teetered over the precipice?  Will I soon take leave of my senses entirely?  If I do, dear readers, it is not from abject desperation but from grit, single-minded resolve and utter determination.

I have joined a another pay site and am now not only a member of Match, but of FitnessSingles – a site wholly dedicated to people looking for running partners, people with good chests (both male and female), and mostly people who photograph as though they leave their couches periodically. 

No, you naysayers, I am not shallow for being on that site.  As I say in my brief profile (not much be said!), as long as people don’t spend 98% of their day tending to themselves the way my little cat does, I will happily agree that these are people who care about their health and appearance.  I will allow that they eat their Wheaties, exercise and breathe deeply, as well as all those other things that health conscious people appear to do.  

Mind you, only if you are naïve enough and new enough to the game to think that those photos are current. 

Never fear, I have not left my favorite freebie, OkCupid though, frankly apart from a pen pal in New York, a gentleman who wrote obscene suggestions in Esperanto and a man in New Mexico who insists on telling me bad Jewish jokes and giving me weather reports – I am sad to report that the site has yielded very little.

Oh, and just one thing from Match that got my goat – and the animal metaphor will continue in a second. Get an email from a 75 (!!!) year old guy.  Wasn’t sure if he hadn’t written to me before, but he was going to take the chance even though I had said I wanted to go a little younger.  I seemed to him too elegant and intelligent to be a cougar.  I was so annoyed when I got this.  I wrote back and said yes he had written to me, the jerk, and told him to think of it this way... he’s 18 years older than me, does that make him a cougar??? GRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!

As well, while on the notorious POF, I signed onto an offshoot of said site called Evow for people who are interested in committed relationships, the good ole LTR’s.  As if in a Greek Chorus, I hear you cry, get away from POF, but no worries, this one is less horrible than its sister site. 

Talk about commitment-phobes, I can’t even commit to one dating site.  In the spirit of more being more, I’ve cast my net wider, I went back on Jdate as well. So if you’re keeping score that’s three paying sites, and WTF, un-hid my profile on POF. Eeeeck, general consensus is, I know, but I am maximizing just for these next couple of months with the, I think, intelligent notion that maybe someone somewhere is making a New Years Resolution!

I think that I will have to keep index cards on all of this as my fellow non-blogger Alessa suggested.  But as massively as I’m throwing out the net, I realize that the online dating world is getting smaller and smaller.  I do see a lot of the same guys on these different sites.  I momentarily wonder what they’re doing on so many sites when I remember the mantra, they just wanna get laid.  So, I realize that even more caution (you know, that which I just threw to the wind) needs to be exercised.

Not to mention continuing to want a do-over with One Syllable.

So now that you are aware of how utterly pathetic I am, read on anyway.

I had been out of town for about a week and already the maximum exposure was garnering results.  Several guys on the Fitness site thought I was in excellent shape, a 40 year old on Match thought I was dangerously beautiful.  Yes, I promise, I ain’t falling for it, though it does fall trippingly and most pleasantly upon the ear.  Even dreadful POF was active, although to be honest was not particularly enthused about going on there a lot.  But the sister site Evow seems quite fruitful.

Like everything else, though, what I had predicted from the beginning continued to be true.  Most of the contacts were one to two emails.  It seemed as though they just wanted to get their toes wet and then jump back. 

With one person I’ll call Tanning Bed Guy for a really unhealthy irradiated look, I was thinking about how I wanted to respond.  I’ve made it a rule that I will respond out of common courtesy though my serial monogamist friend had told me that there was no need to answer queries in which I wasn’t interested.  Such boorishness is not in my character.  I simply wouldn’t be as dismissive as many are since I think that the Internet isn’t a license to be impolite or cruel.  However, because I had taken longer than he liked, Tanning Bed blasted me for being rude.

I didn’t take this personally either, and told him he had to grow a thicker skin.  Then I got a long sob story about the death of his father (which I could relate to) and how he wasn’t doing as well as he thought. I started doing my usual thing, which is to soothe, and realized I’m not this guy’s therapist or his mother.  Compassion I will certainly give, but the next email wanted more, and I thought – NO.

I believe and hope that January will be interesting as I think I’m really right about the New Years Resolution thing.  So until then, Happy New Year to everyone who has been kind enough to read my blathering.  I am an optimist and think that 2011 will yield all kinds of treats!

IN WHICH I AM MADLY DASHING AROUND TRYING TO APPEAR BUSY AS THE HOLIDAYS APPROACH or DRY SPELL

I cheerfully acknowledge that I haven’t had a date in weeks. I say this cheerfully because there is no other way to say it.

I have been busy communicating and saying hello, people respond and then let it go as I predicted they would, but I am determined. I am not discouraged, and anyway what’s the point?  The sidewalks will soon be closing up here in LA.  It’s a known fact that no one can manage to do anything here for virtually the entire month of December.

But I go on, I persevere.

I am busy pursuing volunteer opportunities, even inspired to get into macho fields of law enforcement or the fire department because of the basic philosophy -- go where the men are.  Oddly, I’ve spent so many years in the halls of academia, and have to say that that hasn’t exactly been a treasure trove of dating possibilities – au contraire.  The only ones that seemed to want to date me were my students, and I wasn’t prepared for that particular infraction, flattering though it was at times.  And no, I don’t think they were doing it because they wanted a better grade.  I’m an easy grader anyway.

So the day goes and lo and behold, a communication from Match. Fireboy, I’ll call him, wants to get together.  Seems articulate enough wrote self-effacing emails, and featured himself in fire fighting gear, though he is not a firefighter per se.  I said to myself okay, I’m sort of liking this type: a little brawn some brains but nothing too challenging, and so I bite. 

Another admission here and don’t worry, it’s not a big deal.

After a couple of emails, I get impatient because it’s either meet or begin writing an autobiography, and frankly, it never pays off as far as I can tell.  I begin with interesting details about myself and then when I meet these guys, not only haven’t they read it, but even if by some fluke they have taken the time, it is painfully obvious that they have not digested the more fascinating minutia, and are certainly not ready for testing. 

Fireboy sends me his number, I send him mine, then I let him call so that I can hear his voice.  Oh! woe is me, not that velvet chocolaty voice of One Syllable – sadly that is rare, I’m beginning to find.  However, pleasant enough and I suppose, worth me returning the call when I feel like it.

Which I do, a decent interval later.

This one was trying to impress me with facts such as he had been in the Fire Station in my area, and had been to a holiday party there with, yes,  __________________ (fill in 60’s celebrity name) … not that I asked.  One very solid rule about LA is that people here are cool about celebrities, and we certainly don’t try to impress each other with knowing this one or that one.

We agree to meet and I get off the phone and, folks, I’m just not feeling it.  He isn’t the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree, and I had a suspicion he wasn’t hiding that light under a bushel either.

However, I am dogged and unwavering.

As much as I don’t really want to go, I do go.  It’s yet a third coffee bean… LA is full of ‘em.  There’s even another couple behind us in line also meeting for the first time.  I buy my own tea – he doesn’t even offer, but I always feel better doing this, so they don’t expect something in return.  In return, I hear you cry, is this a barter situation?  You just never know, do you??

Okay so not attracted to him from the get-go.  However, I am firm in my intention that he will at least enjoy the short time we spend together -- very short.  We sit outside as it is still nice and sunny and I begin to question him as I feel that if I don’t, I’ll have to finish up my tea in the car going home.

I find that the easiest opener is to ask them about their experiences on Match or other dating sites.  I find they like a sympathetic listener and love to complain about all the lies they were told before meeting some unfortunate woman or other.

I do so, and get to listen to the fact that he has unashamedly been on Yahoo personals for six years.  He has, he confided to me, dated an actress, though, he added, she won’t remember him.  (Believe me, I won’t remember him tomorrow, either.)  He told me how one person had stood him up, so I encouraged him with my story of the ill-fated luncheon.  He seemed outraged about the fact that he ended up paying for a meal for another woman, and dubious about her promise to pay the next time.  Obviously, there wasn’t going to be a next time.  Hence, I am penalized, I realize, with having to foot the bill for my own tea.  Perhaps, the woman was depressed that they met at Four and Twenty Pies – not, in my estimation the coolest of dating destinations.

He asks me nothing about myself. 

While he is talking, I notice the dirty fingernails and worse the fact that he is looking at his watch first.  I feel free, then, to start wondering when I can end our obvious mutual agony.  Luckily, it seems that his meter was in danger of running out, and we said goodbye.  With great relief I called my fellow (evidently) non-blogger, Jane and said with a huge giggle in a high school voice, “OMG, he was SO boring.”

Sad how we revert, isn’t it?