I thought you should all suffer a little… or a lot. At least endure the pain of reading a title that ends with a preposition… if that isn’t disturbing enough.
Actually what I thought is that I’d catalogue my contacts for a little while to give you the absolute idea of what the experience is like. As Edward R. Murrow used to say,
“YOU ARE THERE…”
Poor souls.
On my fitness site I was contacted by two, count ‘em, guys from Washington State. I’m not sure why out-of-staters contact me. Perhaps they just can’t resist those new photos SM took of me. Really, I’m baffled. However, they did.
The two of them were most definitely hunks and one, whom I mentioned last time, kept asking me if he was crossing my mind. I bit once with him and said yes, and got an effusive email back, then nothing. Then a little while later yet another query if I was crossing his mind.
At that point, I thought, demented, and haven’t heard since.
The other guy just dropped off like a little autumn leaf – the way most of them do. The rate of attrition is very high. As you might have guessed, it’s basically about 99.9%. As I said in another entry, it’s as though they like to get their little tootsies wet but if the waves come in too close, they jump away.
On my favorite free site was contacted by a gentleman with the lovely yet subtle moniker HORNYMoFoFor69.
Charming, I thought.
Wanted to know if I wanted to hang out and have some fun. After breathing out and breathing in several times, I wrote a polite and mature (he is 31) note thanking him for his interest and telling him that I was looking for something a little more substantial.
Undaunted, he wrote back that I could be his girlfriend, and wasn’t that substantial enough?
Exhale.
You can’t make this stuff up.
Another man, Mr. Potatohead, near enough to what he called himself on the site, wrote that he thought that I seemed pretty neat. Reminds me of what Kevin Costner thought of Madonna and her performance in one of her documentaries, I think it was Truth or Dare. How she ridiculed him for that statement --though she ridicules fans who are stupid enough to bring her flowers she doesn’t like, so I don’t think I’ll put myself in her company.
I read through his profile and saw that he cautioned women who voted a certain way not to contact him. I wrote him back and thanked him for thinking that I was neat, but that he might not think so if he knew my voting patterns and that I was sorry. His response was, if I was sorry for how I voted in the past, it was forgivable.
I said I was more sorry about how I voted in the present, and then received something incomprehensible from him. It was all just too complicated for me, so I decided no answer was the best course.
From the land of moonlight and magnolias, I received a message from a courtly gentleman who named himself after one of the great heroes of the South. Again, I’m not sure what this long distance thing is, though, something whispers to me that they may be married or otherwise encumbered, and, perhaps, this is how they get their vicarious thrills. At any rate, this man was at least age appropriate, nice looking, and enjoyed competitive ballroom dancing.
I am all admiration.
I don’t know how to dance. When I go to weddings, I always dread it if someone wants to fox trot or otherwise partner dance. However, I do greatly esteem those who can.
He told me (after giving me several stories to illustrate this fact) that he could, from just looking at someone and reading their profile, intuit whether there would be any chemistry between them or not. Evidently, he thought there would be with me.
I wish I had that gift; it would have saved me a lot of expenditure on green tea.
He’s called me several times, so the jury is out on him. He says that he comes to LA a lot. So did the other guys from Washington State, and another guy from Idaho.
And so does the ex-Marine from San Diego, who thinks I’m the most beautiful girl on the fitness site. Very flattering, so I looked at his photos and he has the most amazing set of tattoos. I’m not one for body art, so I’m not impressed, but he did have one of the most developed backs I’ve seen in a while. Yes, on this site, no one hesitates to take off his or her shirt.
I’m sure you’re tired by now. Perhaps your head is spinning with the sheer number of oddities that I endure. There is, dangling at the moment, a gentleman who names himself after a superhero and talks about himself in the third person.
My eyes roll heavenward.
He has contacted me before and then disappeared, so when he wrote this time, I gently reminded him of this fact. He said he remembered, but had met someone else and wasn’t a serial dater. He was giving her a try in order to see what might develop. She, however, appears not to have worked out, so he was now seeing if I was still interested.
It is all so fatiguing, but I’m putting Superman on the back burner for now, not because I’m vindictive, but because someone else has come forward and actually offered dinner! Not just green tea, but full feeding, soup to nuts.
And, sorry, ladies and gentlemen, but if he’s nice, you won’t be hearing about him!
