So many thoughts have been revolving in my head that I can’t remember what I’ve written here and what I have been blathering on and on to friends about ... however, there is definitely more to say.
I’ve figured out why the whole online process is so weird and you will be proud at the profundity of what I’m about to impart. There may be a Nobel Prize in this for me. (Do they give them in sociology?)
There is absolutely NO context in online dating! What I mean is that in the bad old days, prehistoric actually, the only way to meet someone was either face-to-face, in letters or on the telephone. And, it was usually because your relatives, friends, or the Sears Roebuck Catalog had introduced you.
You had some kind of connection, some kind of framework, some kind of commonality even if it was just your brother’s girlfriend’s second cousin’s brother-in-law. Because if this, you could gossip about the hapless friend who introduced you, or complain about the family member, or, if appropriate, bad mouth the acquaintances that made the arrangements. It made for an interesting bond between two people and at least had the advantage of keeping the conversation stimulating and going for the interminable space of one date.
This is not the case today.
Now we have another matchmaker extraordinaire.
It is your computer.
I mean, really?
Cogitate on that for a second. YOUR COMPUTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The laptop or PC you’re peering at is your matchmaker, your yenta, your shodchenta, need I go on?
Okay, have you thought about it? Are you appalled and hasn’t the utter unreality of the situation hit you between the eyes? It certainly has me! … and yet, I continue to do it, and with optimism.
Jeez, it’s sort of awful, though, isn’t it?
I have friends who say to me, Ilana, you’re an elegant, attractive, intelligent yadda, yadda, yadda, woman, surely you can meet people the old fashioned way? (Don’t call me, Shirley).
You would think, eh? However, in my case, I work in an environment where the nearest man is about 22 (not in my wildest cougar dreams!), and my writing friend is the aforesaid computer (erstwhile matchmaker… OMG!!!). I’m simply not the type to strike up a conversation in the hardware store, or give come hither looks at gas stations. The wall of ice is just too difficult for me to break. That seems to be an unfortunate and enduring character flaw of mine.
A corollary to that whole meeting from the computer issue is the fact that it is easy to be a fantasist … you begin to imagine you’re in a relationship or at least at the beginning of a relationship with someone who has responded positively to (let’s face it) your photographs. He or she says something flattering about them, you feel complimented and you begin to respond as though you had met that person, were flirting with and had a strong connection with them.
There again, it begins. You start having that whole relationship IN YOUR HEAD! Remember that? And, oh the falling to earth is extreme, and worse than usual because there’s absolutely no question about how foolish you’ve been.
So, I ask, what do you do?
It’s the oddest thing.
There is a whole subset of our population that is over forty and unmarried. It’s a new sociological phenomenon, and society has yet to become equipped to cope with it. So you have singletons (as they call them in England) who are a certain age, don’t want to go to bars and clubs, usually the habitat of the twenty-something group, and don’t want to join the highly dreaded singles groups organized by churches and synagogues. I can assure you there is no URGE there… not for miles!
As I quoted Queen Victoria in another entry: There is no one here who is depressed. May I add that there is no one here who is discouraged. I am determined to use this wisdom to my benefit!
So what we do in the end is hang out with friends of the same sex, continue being a tolerated addition to married friends at dinners and other such outings, or sitting home, eating take-out and watching rom-coms with female relatives. Yes, I’m talking to YOU!!
It’s just so old-fashioned, isn’t it?
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